To Catch the Conscience of a King
This was written by one of the fellows that works for me that I’ve known for the past year or so. ;-)
TO CATCH THE CONSCIENCE OF A KING
A Modest Proposal to President Bush,
Today would seem to be another glorious day for America and its handlers.Not since the last time war was brought to us have we had such a pleasurable villain to annihilate, or such a historic city to have an opportunity to rebuild. Like the rest of patriotic America, I am proud that our troops have had the opportunity to train against actual enemies, and I must say I am impressed at how efficiently they have met with and dispatched this peasant army with a minimum of American casualties. This bodes very well for the many coming wars. Indeed, it is hard to imagine how a war could be fought more convincingly even were the opposition more aggressively fighting back. It has been, in a word, potent, a great banner to hang across the world. Our initial projections for casualties, on both sides, are proving staggeringly, absurdly high. It might even be said that when this military action was greenlit, we were expecting a war. As a nation which you have rightly said considers war a last option, we applaud your restraint in radically limiting the scope of combat to what may be only a few thousand Iraqi dead, far less than budgeted, at least barring evidence that an actual war is necessary. This windfall is surely to your credit.
Submitted for your approval, I have a modest proposal for how to spend this surplus of Iraqi lives, which the markets of public opinion and policy have already priced into the cost of war. As you may know, my company has several drugs and treatments in the pipeline in need of human trials, many of which have the potential to reinvent our society to a degree beyond the dreams of any Patriot Act or Homeland Security department. I would like to enlist these spared soldiers into another war which has been brought to us, namely the war against the medical terror of impotence.
Your recent experience with the United Nations puts you in a unique perspective to appreciate the powerful humiliation of impotence. To be fixated on your prize, eager to go in with shock and awe, only to be denied fulfillment, surely must awaken your compassion for those Americans tormented by impotence every day of their lives. Your frustration was, of course, quite temporary, your potency currently proven for all the world to see, with such an unambiguity as to be virtually pornographic. Well done indeed. In fact, I may confide to you that your example has had therapeutic effects on many of my current subjects, which though not expected to continue indefinitely, have certainly given them an enjoyable respite from their frustration. Of course, my patients are not Great Men like you, and cannot simply overcome their shortcomings by will of strength. A more permanent solution will be required.
Since our funding is not from the military budget, you may be surprised to know that my company has a handful of drugs and techniques that are ready for clinical trials. Frankly, however, this process is very slow. It could take as much as a few years to follow the established process of getting these revolutionary cures in our pipeline to market. The sticking point is the ethical concern of human trials, which requires very deliberate, incremental testing on lower forms of life before we are authorized to validate our theories on American humans. American courts have been very difficult on this point. Frankly, curing the terror of impotence could be the work of many years. It is even possible that, given the short terms which my fellow Chief Executives are subject, I may be ousted by my shareholders before I have made my historical mark by curing this disease. I have considerable political need within my company for immediate results. While my company would certainly never think of making a habit of violating the established process, these desperate times call for a short-circuiting of the process to achieve the results we so desperately need.
Let me be blunt on how you can help in this war against terror. Americans have considerable rights that prevent us from conducting our trials on them at this stage, but as terrorists, the Iraqi people are not subject to the American civil and criminal courts which have stymied us. Indeed, as soldiers in league with international terrorism, they need not be subject to the Geneva Convention, which I understand suggests against this proposal, so you need not be concerned with that. You have the power to appropriate these people and enjoin them as soldiers in your war, subject to your laws, to which no challenge is recognized. American courts, legislators, media, and even, for what it is worth, the people, have missed their opportunity to challenge you, and all projections indicate that it is now too late for them to become relevant again. You alone in all the world are exempt from the mortal concerns of ethics, public opinion, and constitutional legalism. In short, you alone in all the world, my lawyers have assured me, have the might and will to make the difficult measures required by these terrible times right.
You may be concerned that it would be illegal to consign Iraqi people to non-military experimentation. As noted above, this is a frivolous concern easily circumvented. But let me add that my public relations experts have concluded it would be quite easy to spin these trials as enacted for the good of the Iraqi people. What could be better than to share your potency with the Iraqi people, who have known nothing but frustration and terror for years? Indeed, it is expected that Iraq will contribute its resources in compensation for American life force spilled penetrating Iraqi defenses.
It should be obvious that a country has no greater resource than its people. Why should not the enemies spared by your benevolence be included in the reparations which Iraqi people surely owe us for their newfound freedom?
Of course, my challenge is not to convince you of the value of sexual fulfillment on the eve of your conquest of a decade-long foe. My aim is far more modest. To be able to utilize these would-be-dead Iraqi forces during our occupation, it is necessary for you to capture opposition forces whenever possible, not just when convenient. I understand this has considerable political risk. Using the currently established exchange rate, an American life has considerably more value than an Iraqi life, and additionally even has a name and family. Losing even one soldier in the act of capturing ten Iraqi would-be-deads would seem a losing political trade. As a fellow businessman, believe me I understand your reluctance to accept such terms, if that were the simple, cold equation. One must, of course, think of the bigger picture.
The bigger picture is your legacy. The destruction to this date has been simply breathtaking, characterized by both relentlessness and restraint, but it is becoming increasingly apparent that there is no legacy upside in dropping more bombs even on buildings that have only symbolic or historical value, or in pressing so quickly to Baghdad as to not give the meager opposition the opportunity to surrender. Conquering a civilization in two weeks is not less impressive than in one. As mentioned, we can with good conscience perform needed clinical trials more easily, perhaps only, on the would-be-dead Iraqis. Only those that come in under budget are a developable resource for us. When an Iraqi soldier fires ineffectually at your staggering might, please consider recognizing the value in letting him realize the futility of fighting back instead of casually destroying him. Fire warning shots, give them a chance to see your might instead of simply accepting his suicide. Why needlessly destroy such an economic asset simply because it doesn’t understand your deepdown benevolence? You have wisely elected to pause to put out oilfield fires when they present themselves. It would seem a simple matter to extend this policy to human assets as well.
Well, lives are of course fine for you, even Iraqi lives, and I have no doubt you would wish to help me cure a plague of manhood were it not too inconvenient, but you may ask what is the value to you politically of conquering this affliction, since clearly you are now the most potent man on the planet. A reasonable question. Simply put, you have an opportunity to become a worldwide hero by liberating men of their frustration. Statues of you will be erected by half the world. Even by American standards, this is non-trivial market share. Nor will any part of my proposal endanger your ability to seed Iraq in your image. You’ll simply have to go a little slower and fight the enemy only when engagement cannot be avoided as opposed to whenever your commendably restrictive rules of engagement can justify annihilation. If that isn’t clear, please ask your handlers to explain it to you slowly.
Perhaps you fear that your new Iraqi subjects will be more critical of your martyring them in a jihad against impotence than Americans have been. This is the beauty of the people of Iraq: they won’t. They understand far better than your unruly American subjects what it is to be emasculated for a greater man, an easier good. They expect suffering, compliance, fear. They have no expectations of freedom, no rule of law, no common decency. You will not need to court their votes. They have no need, in short, of the long, ongoing process of de-Americanizing that your American subjects continue to require. They have fear that has no need of constant reinforcement or color-coding. They have been terrorized, brutalized, oppressed, annihilated. They have no society left, and have only you to give them one. In short, they will question nothing, accept whatever is given to them, do anything asked of them, without thought of whether it is right. They will simply accept you as a fact of life, an act of god. You will be a father to them.
You will soon have the most perfect country on earth for you to lead, resource rich without character, pliant, historical, terrified: Iraq is virgin snow eager for your name. But you are not the only man who requires the Iraqi people as exploits of war. You are an inspiration to any man who would not back down in humiliation when he is determined to stand up. But there are those of us who, with all our wealth, power, and influence, still lack the one thing that gives us the peace within ourselves to accept and enjoy our privileged lot in life. Iraq may be enough of a substitute for your purposes, but participating vicariously in your manifest destiny is no longer enough for us. We need more. We need this. It has been years since we have felt like ourselves. There is something pent-up inside us which must be let go.
We turn to you, Mr. Bush, as our greatest symbol of potency, to fix this ineffectual, embarrassing prick and help us become whole again. If you can’t, it is clear no one can. There is no one left. Our American essence is so frail at this moment that even those able to stand no longer do. It may soon be lost forever. Even at the height of your power, you are in danger of becoming the last American, the only one left standing when the rest of us have recoiled from this duty. Please consider carefully this modest proposal. Save our people from this impotence, at any cost. In these desperate times, patriots are called upon to do difficult things in the name of our country, things we fear to do, things we cannot accept.
This civil war has always been about America, about whether we have the moral stones to faithfully execute this evil deed and secure our place on this earth. It is to your credit as a leader, and to the still quite strong residual value of America’s good name, that we have so far answered your call. But our will is flagging. The next time you call for all good Americans to join you, I fear you will be standing alone, with only the fearsome power of your office where a great, just country once stood.
